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A few days ago, I was visiting Washington for the Annual George Bush Pretzel Festival, when I got an urgent telephone call from Sen. Howard Babblelot, chairman of the Senate Committee on Morals and Other Kewl Stuff.
"You've got to get over to my office immediately," he urged. "It is a matter of the highest national importance."
Babblelot arranged for the Capitol Police to give me an escort -- allowing me to break all speed limits and ignore traffic lights -- so there would be no delay, and a short time later I met with him at the Congress.
"What's the problem?" I asked. "Spies? An environmental disaster? Are we about to go to war?"
"Worse," said Babblelot. "On line slots!"
"Sluts? On line? You mean internet pornography?"
"Not sluts, you idiot," he said. "Slots. The kind where you put your quarter in and if three cherries appear you get a dollar. They are destroying the country. You're a reporter -- you have to do something to help stop this tidal wave of immorality. The very fabric of our nation is at stake. Pretty soon youngsters will be throwing all their money away on internet gambling and have nothing left when they want to buy joints."
Babblelot poured himself a double Scotch from a bottle he had purloined from Air Force One, and told me that he had spent the last year investigating gambling from all angles.
"It's my sworn and solemn duty to make certain that I am informed on all important issues," he said.
"Like the situation in Afghanistan?" I asked.
"What's an Afghanistan?"
"Never mind," I said. "It's not important. There are no casinos there."
"No wonder I never heard of it," Babblelot replied. "I have been too busy defending the United States Constitution by spending my time and efforts in places like Las Vegas and Monte Carlo."
"It must be expensive traveling to all those spots," I said.
"That's what your tax dollars are for," the senator replied. "To make certain that Congressmen can take all the junkets they want. Besides, I am not the kind of person to misuse Federal funds on wine, women, and wild living. As soon as the land casinos hear that I am against online gambling they provide all those things as comps."
"But why do you object so strongly to gambling?" I asked.
"I never said I object to gambling," Babblelot replied. "The gaming industry is an important national resource, and I am proud to say that my own state has some of the finest casinos in the country. It is only online gambling that I oppose -- the kind that doesn't give a cut of the take to the Treasury...err, I mean, is not taxable.
"It is a tragic situation," he continued. "Just look at some of these letters I received from my constituents. Here is one from a man who lost $10,000 during a four hour session at one of these computer sites."
"That is bad luck," I commiserated.
"It is even worse than you know," Babblelot told me. "He had been planning on donating that money to my reelection fund in exchange for my rerouting a federal highway to go past his House of Ill Repute. Think of the income those poor girls will lose now because the customers will find it hard to get there!"
Babblelot's phone rang.
"Hi, honey," he said. "No, I'm sorry. I can't right now. I'm in an important meeting. I promise to make it up to you later. We will have dinner at a good restaurant, I will give you your anniversary present, and then we can spend a romantic night together."
"I don't want to keep you from celebrating your anniversary with your wife," I told him.
"Wife? Don't be silly. That was my secretary. Tonight marks the start of the second month that we have been having an affair. Coincidentally, it is also the anniversary of the second month that she has been working for me. But we were discussing more important things -- like how online gambling is effecting the morality of the country.
"Here is a good example," he said, holding up another letter. "A poor woman from the inner city took $25 she badly needed to feed her family and bet it all at one of those casinos."
"Did she lose everything?" I asked.
"No," said Babblelot. "She won. She hit a progressive jackpot and cashed out over $500,000. She immediately quit her job -- leaving me without a cleaning woman! It's things like that which are destroying the national work ethic."
The senator's phone rang again.
"No, Mr. President," he said. "I am sorry, but I will not be able to be there for the vote on the budget. Yes, I know you were counting on me to help get it passed, but I'm going on vacation tomorrow . I'll tell you what -- I'll trade off with Jack Forman. He was planning on voting against it, but I'll invite him to join me in the Caribbean and that way the vote will even out. I'm sorry, but I don't have time to discuss it more right now, I have a reporter here and we're discussing the the national work ethic."
No sooner did he hang up, then his computer beeped twice, indicating that he had an urgent e-mail.
He read it, picked up his phone, and called his secretary.
"Honey, bad news," he said. "Tonight is off. I just got an e-mail from the Pentagon and I will be tied up all evening."
"I didn't know that you were involved in defense planning," I said.
"I'm not," he said. "The letter was from Gen. Bear, an old friend of mine. He just got a promo from Silver Dollar Casino. They are offering a fantastic bonus."
"And you are going to try to stop it?" I asked.
"Are you crazy?" Babblelot replied. "I am going to spend the night online playing blackjack and turning that bonus into a bundle!"
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