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The name tags of the men in the room made me feel that I had landed in a bowl of alphabet soup -- FBI, CIA, DEA, NSA, INS, -- just about everything except AFL-CIO.
"This is the Federal Inter-Agency Task Force on On Line Gambling," explained Special Agent Webster (the guy with the FBI tag), "and we need your assistance in stopping this pack of criminals."
"Why?" I asked. "What laws are they breaking?"
"That's the problem," Webster replied. "We don't know. But we figure they HAVE to be breaking some law. On Line gambling is just too much fun to be legal."
"We think we might have a lead," said the guy with the Drug Enforcement Agency tag. "We understand that an elderly woman in Sacramento got so excited when she hit the 7Sultan's Cash Splash that she took a Valium to calm down. Do you know anything about this?"
"No," I admitted.
"How about illegal immigrants?" asked the Immigration and Naturalization Service agent. "Our informers tell that Big Win Casino is hiring a bunch of Costa Ricans who are not in this country legally."
"That's true," I said. "In fact, they are not in this country at all -- they are in Costa Rica. That's where Big Win is located."
"We can look into that end," said the Central Intelligence Agency representative. "It seems mighty suspicious to me that we have a group of Costa Ricans working in Costa Rica -- it is just too much of a coincidence."
"Have you ever gotten a check in the mail for your On Line winnings?" asked the guy from the Postal Service, and, if so, did it have the right postage on it?"
"I hit big at the King Solomons Casino a few weeks ago and they sent me a check," I said, "but it was mailed from the office in the Netherlands Antilles and I have no idea of how much postage it required."
"I guess we can find that out," said the State Department man. "Err, do any of you guys have any idea of where the Netherlands Antilles are?"
"Forget about that," said the Pennsylvania State Trooper. "I guess you rushed to the bank to deposit the check, didn't you?"
"Yes," I said.
"Just HOW fast did you rush?" he asked. "I'll bet we can get these casinos operators on charges of encouraging speeding!"
"What did you say?" Webster asked him.
"I said I'll bet that..."
Webster pressed a button under his desk and three other FBI men came in and dragged the Trooper off under charges of gambling in a Federal building.
"Hold everything," said the Internal Revenue Service agent. "You said that you won -- well, I have your tax records here and you didn't report it -- what's your excuse?"
"I won the money in September," I said, "and this is October. Income tax returns aren't filed until April."
"Technicalities," he muttered, "they always get free on technicalities. It's tax evaders like you who are destroying this country. Pretty soon we won't even have enough money to give federal investigators pay raises."
"I understand," said the CIA man, "that the Golden Reef Casino is giving a $100 bonus to anyone who opens an account. If we can find some federal employees who have signed up, we can get the casino on charges of bribing government officials."
"I don't think that we should start any investigation along those lines," Webster replied nervously. The other men agreed immediately.
"We have already looked into that, " said the National Security Agency representative. "We tapped into the phone lines of all government employees and know exactly which ones have been betting on line. Unfortunately, we can't arrest them all -- there would be nobody left in government."
"You mean that ALL federal employees have on line casino accounts?" asked Webster incredulously.
"Not all," the NSA man admitted. "We couldn't find anyone at the Internal Revenue Service who is betting."
"Of course not," the IRS agent said. "We are too principled to do something like that."
"Actually, principles had nothing to do with it," the NSA man replied. "You guys just couldn't fill out the forms to open accounts -- you found them too complicated."
"Personally," said Webster, "I think the idea of federal employees betting on line is repulsive!"
"Sure you do," said the NSA guy, "but next time you go to the VIP Casino remember not to hit when you are holding 19 -- you're almost sure to bust."
"Guys," I said, "it doesn't look like you need my help here, can I go?"
"I guess so," said Webster, "but before you do, would you mind answering just one more question?"
"All right," I agreed.
"You told us that you hit big last month. Would you mind coming over to my house tonight and showing me how to do it?"
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