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My non-American readers will doubtlessly believe that I am (as usual) putting them on, but Feb. 2 is really and truly Groundhog Day, an American institution wherein a small furry animal looks around, spots (or does not spot) his shadow, and as a result the country prepares either for Spring or six more weeks of winter.
This momentous event takes place at Gobbler's Knob, a small hill outside the thriving metropolis of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, and the entire nation holds its breath as Punxsutawney Phil, the aforementioned rodent, goes shadow hunting.
"Bet on Phil seeing his shadow this year," my friend Stanley confided to me the other night.
"Why would you possibly want six more weeks of winter?" I asked. "Haven't you enough snow shoveling for one year?"
"That has nothing to do with it," Stanley told me. "I have money bet on that groundhog's shadow. BIG money. I heard it on good authority that the fix is in."
"Phil is fixed?" I asked in shock. "Who would possibly fix a groundhog's forecast? And how could they get Phil to agree to fudge the forecast?"
"I have friends who have friends," Stanley told me authoritatively, "and they are close to Don Mario Palermo -- the Punxsutawney Mafia boss -- he rigged the whole thing."
"Punxsutawney has a Mafia boss? How can that be? It is so small that it doesn't even have any Italians!"
"I know," said Stanley, "Don Palermo is actually Jewish, but he changed his name -- he didn't think that 'Don Seymour Hirschberg' sounded very Mafioso."
"But why did Don Palermo bother fixing the forecast?" I asked.
"One of the online sportsbooks was giving good odds," Stanley explained. "Now that the NFL season is over, they are getting desperate for something for people to bet on. Don Palermo figured that if he got in a lot of money on Phil seeing his shadow he could afford to buy a retirement home in Miami -- that way he could escape the additional six weeks of winter."
"And Phil is willing to go along with this? Did Don Palermo make the rodent an offer he couldn't refuse?"
"He tried," said Stanley, "but groundhogs are particularly difficult to frighten. They figure that they can always jump back into their hole and no wise guy is going to get his $1000 suit filthy by trying to squeeze in after them."
"So what did Don Palermo do?"
"First, he offered Phil a bribe," Stanley said. "But that didn't work. Groundhogs have very little use for money. They mainly eat nuts and other things they find lying around the forest and almost never buy sports cars or take trips to Las Vegas."
"That must have really depressed Don Palermo," I said.
"Only for a while," Stanley told me. "Then his consigliere informed him that February is groundhog mating season."
"In other words," I said, "Phil is liable to be rather randy on Groundhog Day."
"As randy as Bill Clinton would be after a month alone with Hillary," Stanley confirmed. "So Don Palermo made a few inquiries and found a particularly sexy blonde groundhog by the name of Phyllis."
"You're kidding me."
"No," said Stanley. "Really. She is considered the Michele Pfeiffer of groundhogs. She is also dying to be in the movies. Don Palermo promised to make her a star."
"He is going to have to deliver a lot of horse's heads to get any studio to agree to do a remake of 'Cleopatra' with a groundhog taking Elizabeth Taylor's role," I said.
"A few months ago folks in Philadelphia actually believed that the Eagles had a chance of making it into the Superbowl," Stanley pointed out. "If people in Pennsylvania can be that gullible, what do you expect from one of their groundhogs? Phyllis bought it hook, line and sinker.
"She has already let Phil know that if he announces that he saw his shadow, she is going to give him a mating season that he's going to need all year to recover from!"
"That story is ridiculous!" I said. "I don't believe a single word of it. You must think that I am some kind of idiot."
At that very moment, I spotted Phil coming out of the Punxsutawney Pharmacy, carrying a large, economy, size package of Viagra.
"Stanley, what did you say is the name of that sportsbook which is offering the Groundhog Day odds?"
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