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With American football becoming more popular internationally I decided to help the inferior people of the world (women and non-Americans) understand this important aspect of life and I went to Knute "Bear" Parsegian, the famed college football coach, for help in explaining it.
"Football is a sacred rite," Knute told me. "It is sad to realize that there are people in this world who don't know what a 'down' is or how the 'spread' is determined."
"I know," I agreed, "and it's actually so simple that there is no reason for anyone to be confused."
"It certainly is," said Knute. "Take the 'downs', for example. "Each team gets four downs. Of course, if they manage to move the ball ten yards or more they get four more downs -- unless, of there is a penalty and a down is replayed, which actually makes it five downs. Often, however, after three downs they decide to either punt or to go for a field goal, so then they don't get all four downs. Should they score, they automatically lose the rest of their downs unless they scored on a safety, in which case the other team has to kick and the original team gets four more. What could be simpler than that?"
"Maybe we should start with the basics," I said. "Why don't women ever play football?"
"Because it is a rough, tough, game, which requires high levels of testerosterone," Knute said. "Besides, we tried letting a woman play center last year. It didn't work. The quarterback took so long on the snaps that his team was penalized 200 yards for delay of game. She also complained that he was too forward with his passes."
"You mentioned the 'spread' -- can you tell us what this is?"
"The spread is undoubtedly the most important part of the game," Knute said. "Without it, the country would have serious political problems. Let's say that Florida State is playing Harvard. Is there anybody in his right mind who would bet on those Ivy League eggheads? Of course not! The entire world would put its money on Florida and the bookies would go bankrupt. The next thing you know the Republicans would be calling for the federal government to bail out them out and the Democrats would be establishing an Affirmative Action program for bookies."
"How does the spread avoid this?" I asked.
"It even things out," said Knute. "In that Florida-Harvard game, for example, the bookies would establish a 400 point spread. That way, if Florida won by less than 400 points, the people who bet on Harvard would win."
"But wouldn't good sportsmanship dictate that Florida not run up the score so high?" I asked. "Wouldn't they put in their second or third team when they saw they were going to win?"
"Actually, in that particular case," said Knute, "I had presumed that Florida had refused to allow ANY of their regular players into the game and were only using the cheerleaders."
"Does football have much of impact on campus life?" I asked.
"Not an extreme impact," laughed Knute. "No school would let the football coach fire the president, for example. Well, if it came to a choice between the Penn State president and Joe Paterno that would be a different story, but that's because Paterno usually has a better year than the president. However, football does have a cultural impact. For example, The University of Mississippi changed its name to "Ole Miss" because of football -- none of its players could spell 'Mississippi.'"
"Doesn't it cause some resentment among the faculty that academic standards are lowered for football players?"
"Not at Mississippi," Knute said. "None of the faculty could spell it either."
"Did you know," I asked him, "that the British think we should not call it 'football'? That is what they call 'soccer.'"
"The British!" sneered Knute. "What do they know? These are the same people who think that an 'elevator' is a 'lift' and a 'trolley' is a 'tram'! I'm not even going to tell you what they call a cigarette -- but if we were to use that same term to refer to a man the entire Gay Rights movement would be down on our heads!"
"But they argue that there is very little kicking in American football, so it doesn't make sense to call it that."
"What would they want us to call it?" asked Knute. "Melvin? Nigel? That would be a heck of a thing, wouldn't it -- 'Hey, guys, about a game of Touch Nigel?' Actually, the name 'football' has a long and distinguished history. It started at the first intercollegiate game between Rutgers and Princeton in 1869.
"Early in the game, Rutgers gave the ball to Josiah Blakely to punt and Princeton tried to block it. Elmer Katswiddle, the Princeton tackle, ran right into Blakely's foot as it was in midair -- so the 'foot' in 'football' was named in honor of Blakely's right foot. In fact, his shoe was cast in bronze and is on display at Rutgers. Today, it is a tradition at the school for young lovers to have their first kiss there after they get engaged."
"And the 'ball' part of the name is in honor of the pigskin he kicked?" I asked.
"No," Knute told me. "Unfortunately for Katswiddle, the steel cup had not yet been invented. He blocked the punt with a very indelicate part of his anatomy. He was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. However,that, too, had a happy ending. Katswiddle gained immortality by having the 'ball' part of 'football' named in honor of his removed left testicle -- which was immediately bronzed and put on display at Princeton.
"For some reason," he puzzled, "it is not a place which young lovers like to visit."
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