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As every "Peanuts" fan knows, the Great Pumpkin shows up every year by appearing in the world's most sincere pumpkin patch. This year, he chose one in Washington, D.C., and wound up in Federal Court.
"I know it was a stupid mistake," the Great Pumpkin told me as he was waiting to be arraigned, "but this is an election year. I thought all the hypocrites would be out of Washington and on the road campaigning. Unfortunately, I was only thinking about the elected hypocrites and forgot about the appointed ones."
"But what possible charges could they have placed against you?" I asked. "After all, pumpkins have very little use for money, so it couldn't be robbery and given the tiny size of your stem, a sex crime is definitely out of the question."
"They got me on a few counts of contributing to the delinquency of minors," the GP answered. "They said that I encourage extortion and gambling."
"Extortion?" I said in shock. "That is a very serious offense. You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"I don't consider saying 'Trick or Treat' to be extortion," the GP replied. "After all, what kind of trick can a 7-year-old in a Batman cape do? It is only an expression. In fact, I don't think that even the FBI believes that I extorted anyone. They are only using that charge as a threat, in order to get me to plead guilty to the gambling counts."
"In other words," I said, "they are using the extortion charges to extort you."
"Exactly," he said. "They said that if I admit to encouraging children to gamble, they will go easy on me. If not, they are going to throw the book at me. They mentioned that the gambling activities might well be in violation of the Income Tax Code and they will hand my case over to the IRS."
"What kind of gambling are you involved in?" I asked. "The numbers racket?"
"Don't be silly," the GP told me. "Nobody does the numbers racket anymore. Now they call it a 'lottery' and the government runs it.
"Do you remember 'Bobbing for Apples'"? he asked.
"Of course," I said. "When I was a kid I played it every Halloween."
"Right," said the GP. "Well, the FBI pointed out that in some places, a penny is put in one of the apples and they say that is gambling."
"Don't worry," I said. "The charges are so ridiculous that I am certain that the judge will throw them out immediately."
Just then, my old friend, FBI Special Agent Clyde Webster spotted me chatting with the Great Pumpkin and walked over.
"You shouldn't hang around with characters like that," Clyde said. "He is one very dangerous vegetable."
"Fruit," I said. "A pumpkin is a fruit, not a vegetable."
"Are you kidding me?" Clyde asked in disbelief. "If I make a remark like, 'He is one very dangerous fruit,' the Gay Rights people will have my badge in no time!"
"But why did you arrest him?" I asked. "I can't believe that the Federal government in interested in apple bobbing."
"We're not," Clyde admitted, "but is the one charge that we can get him on that we can make stick. This pumpkin is a threat to the national security and has to be put away."
"Me?" asked the GP in shock. "How could I possibly threaten national security?"
"You go around promoting sincerity in little children," Clyde told him. "Have you ever thought about what would happen in this country if they believed you? The first thing you know, they would be demanding that politicians keep their promises. If every politician kept his promise to cut taxes, there would be no money to pay for the millions of programs they promise to pass."
"But they don't pass most of those programs anyhow," I said, "so it wouldn't matter if there is no money for them."
"True," Clyde told me, "but this way the money becomes available for important things, like giving pay raises to government employees. Besides, what happens when these children grow up? If all the children become sincere adults, where are we going to get the next generation of politicians? Our whole system of government is being put at risk by one overgrown pumpkin!"
"Come on, Clyde," I said. "You can't really be serious about putting the Great Pumpkin in prison."
"Who said anything about prison?" Clyde asked. "The pumpkin is guilty of treason and there is only one answer for that."
"You mean," I gulped, "capital punishment?"
"Let's put it this way," Clyde told me. "Come on over to my house for Thanksgiving -- for dessert we'll be having pumpkin pie."
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