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In response to a steadily diminishing number of requests, I have decided to become an advice columnist and answer the following questions that were sent in to me:
"My husband often insists that I get off the Net, even if I am in the middle of a game of blackjack. What can I do about this?" -- Clueless in Louisiana.
Dear Clueless,
Don't do anything foolish, like divorcing him! Under Lousiana law, you are only entitled to alimony if you are not even partly at fault for the dissolution of the marriage. Your judge may not be familiar with blackjack and find against you! However, do not despair. Fortunately, Louisiana has some of the easiest gun control laws in the country.
Josh
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"I am a habitual liar and can not bring myself to tell the truth. In addition, I am a thief and a con artist. What should I do?" -- Prevaricator
Dear Prevaricator,
Run for Congress.
Josh
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"I have a remarkable resemblance to Michelle Pfeiffer and people always confuse us. When I go to a casino they crowd around me and don't let me gamble in peace. What do you suggest?" -- Stumped Blonde
Dear Stumped,
Go to some quiet, isolated, spot -- like my house.
Josh
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"I am deeply religious and my church tells me that gambling is immoral. I enjoy it so should I ignore my church's teaching?" -- Faithful
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Dear Faithful,
Of course not! That would be horrible! But don't worry, there are loads of other churches you can go to and many of them even have high stakes bingo."
Josh
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"Sen. Kyl is trying to ban Internet gambling. I voted for him in the last election. Does this will mean I go to Hell?" -- Frightened Arizonan
Dear Frightened,
If Sen. Kyl has his way, nobody will go to Hell. Hell will come to us.
Josh
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"I am an MIT graduate computer engineer. I recently applied for a job designing slot machines and setting up the payoff rates for an online casino. I was rejected. I can't figure out why: I have no criminal record, I am a likeable person, and I come from a respected Boston family -- in fact, my parents were married in the same church as John and Abigail Adams. Can you tell me why I didn't get the job?" -- Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
You want to know why you are not qualified to design slot machines? You gave the answer yourself: Your parents were married!
Josh
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"Why does everybody hate me?" -- Bill Gates
Dear Bill,
I am sorry to take so long to get back to you, but my Windows keeps crashing.
Josh
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"I've never played poker, but it sounds like a lot of fun. I sure would like to learn. I don't mind losing some money -- but where can I find some people who will let a novice like me in the game?" -- Lonely Millionaire
Dear Millionaire,
Please ask "Stumped" for directions to my house and feel free to stop by any Wednesday night.
Josh
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"I am completely suspicious of every person I meet. I don't trust anyone. I think everybody is a liar and a cheat. Should I see a psychiatrist?" -- Paranoid
Dear Paranoid,
No, don't go to a psychiatrist. He might cure you and then you would never get a job in a casino's security department.
Josh
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