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The Stars and Stripes was waving and the CD blasted out "The Star Spangled Banner" as I entered the office of Willard T. Patriot, owner of the Patriot Casino Corporation, a collection of All-American casinos located in Slovakia, Costa Rica, Honduras, and Macedonia.
"I am so glad that you could come," Willard greeted me. "I wanted you to be the first reporter to learn about our two newest casinos -- The George Washington Casino in Tanzania and The Abraham Lincoln Casino in Kazakhstan."
"Don't you ever plan to open any of your All-American casinos in the United States?" I asked.
"Of course," said Willard. "After all, I am as loyal an American as you will find. Remember, I am a war veteran!"
"Which war did you fight in?"
"The same one that Presidents Bush and Clinton did," said Willard. "But I don't like to brag about my military record. I just mentioned it to point out how patriotic I am. I realize the importance of keeping jobs and businesses here in the US -- in fact, next year I am even planning on considering the possibility of perhaps buying an American-made car. Maybe."
"Then why are all your casinos overseas?" I asked him.
"This allows me to keep up one of the most treasured of all American traditions," Willard replied, "avoiding taxes."
"When are your two new casinos going to be opened?" I asked.
"When else? On Presidents' Day, of course -- this year it falls on February 19."
"I never could understand that," I said. "Presidents' Day celebrates the birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln -- but they were born on Feb. 17 and 22."
"It's simple," Willard explained. "February has two other holidays, Groundhog Day and Valentine's Day. Neither of these, however, is a school holiday. The National Education Association, which has the goal of improving the level of education in America by giving teachers higher salaries and more days off, objected to this. In order to placate the teachers, the country invented Presidents' Day. It always falls on the third Monday in February in order to make a 'bridge' -- a three day weekend. This particular holiday, therefore, is known as 'The George Washington Bridge.'"
"Do people ever object to you naming gambling casinos after American heros?" I asked Willard.
"No. Why should they? Many things are named after great Americans. There is the Kennedy Space Center, the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts, Mount McKinley and The Addams Family, just to name a few. Why, even the capital of our country is named for a president."
"That's true," I admitted. "Although I sometimes wonder what George Washington would think of Washington, D.C., being named in his honor with all the lying and cheating that goes on there."
"D.C.?, hmm...wait a second."
Willard picked up his phone and made a quick call to his Public Relations Office.
"Frank? Willard here. You know those brochures we had made up on the two new casinos? Yeah, well, we are going to have to make a change. Washington, D.C., is the nation's capital -- not Lincoln, Nebraska."
Willard got up from his desk, walked to a cabinet, and took out some pictures.
"Let me show you what the new casinos look like," he said. "This is The George Washington Casino. We're very proud of it. It is a combination theme park and casino based on Washington's actual home in Mount Vernon, Virginia. The main casino building and hotel, of course, is the big mansion and the smaller buildings, which are replicas of Washington's slave quarters, will serve as rooms for people who only play at the cheap slots."
"You're going to build a Southern slave plantation in Tanzania?" I choked.
"I sure am," Willard said proudly. "We are even going to plant some cotton and hire people to dress up like slaves and sing Spirituals while they pick it."
"But Tanzania is a Black African nation," I protested. "This is NOT going to go over well there."
"Are you sure?" Willard asked. "I thought it was part of what used to be the Soviet Union."
"No," I said. "You are confusing it with your other new casino in Kazakhstan."
"You're right," said Willard. "I guess I will have to switch names. The Kazakhstan casino will be called 'George Washington' and the Tanzania casino will be called 'Abraham Lincoln'. That should go over well. After all, Lincoln freed the slaves. We'll just announce that the mansion was Abraham Lincoln's birthplace in Illinois."
"That's not very accurate," I said. "Lincoln was born in a tiny log cabin."
"Imagine that!" said Willard in awe. "Lincoln's birthplace started as a tiny log cabin and worked its way up to become a giant mansion. It's success stories like that which make me really love America!"
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