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"I can't believe it," Santa moaned. "Gambling! That's all the children want! They're sending me tons of letters asking for roulette wheels, slot machines, and wheels of fortune. One kid in Arkansas even asked for an entire casino complete with hookers! Well, I am sorry, but little Billy Clinton is going to be disappointed this year!"
"What do you attribute this to?" I asked him.
"The stock market," Santa said without hesitation. "Last year, the letters were asking for stuffed bulls and bears and toy ticker machines, but after the it was hit so sharply in the past few months, the kids want something safer for their money.
"What about the traditional toys?" I asked. "Aren't they interested in GI Joe or Barbie anymore?"
"Of course they are," Santa replied. "But with a twist -- for example, they don't want GI Joe in battle gear, they want him in a barracks craps game. Barbie is still popular, but just to blow on Joe's dice. I don't know what this world is coming to! Imagine, children who no longer dream of wiping out enemy villages!"
"Are you going to be able to get all this gambling stuff ready in time for Christmas?" I asked.
"I think so," Santa answered. "In fact, the elves are offering 9 to 5 odds in favor, but it won't be easy. For example, we have to redo all the Monopoly boards. Instead of the four railroads, we have MGM Grand, Caesar's Palace, Bally's, and The Flamingo. The two utilities have been replaced with Captain Cook's and 7 Sultans."
"What other changes do you have to make?" I asked.
"Almost every game has to be redone," he sighed. "Even simple ones -- like checkers. Black and white pieces are no longer acceptable. Now they want different colored casino chips. And that is nothing compared to chess! Now each side has a Casino Manager, a Manager's Bimbo, two casino buildings, two security guards, two Vegas JP's, and eight grandmothers playing the slots."
"Do you get any requests which really throw you?" I asked.
"There was a boy from Texas who asked for a machine which could count cards in blackjack," said Santa, "but that was nothing compared to what Al Gore asked for -- a machine which could not only count cards, but if you lost could provide a recount."
"Are you going to give it to him?"
"I had decided not to," Santa replied, "but he is appealing my decision to the North Pole Supreme Court."
"Is this true throughout the world?" I wondered. "Do children everywhere want to gamble?"
"There are a few exceptions," Santa said. "In Israel, they aren't asking for many gambling toys for Hannuka but that is because they are betting their country on the PLO being serious about peace. They figure that is a big enough gamble to last a lifetime.
"Also, there is not that much interest in gambling in Europe," he said. "Anyone there who wants to take a risk can simply eat a hamburger. But in America, gambling is THE overwhelming interest this year. It seems that everyone wants to be Donald Trump -- except for Bill Gates; he merely wants to OWN Donald Trump."
Just then an elf came in and whispered something in Santa's ear.
"The odds on my making my Christmas deliveries on time just dropped sharply," Santa said with a worried look. "The elves are now offering 7 to 4 AGAINST it."
"Why?" I asked. "What happened?"
"It's the reindeer," he said. "They've all disappeared. Prancer and Dancer were the first to go, they checked into a room in Reno. I always figured that Prancer was gay, but Dancer is a real surprise to me. Cupid and Vixen are in Vegas -- after a quickie marriage they plan to spend the holidays at The Sahara. Dasher and Comet went to Monte Carlo, and Donner and Blitzen are in Munich."
"Why Munich?" I asked. "There are no casinos there."
"I know," said Santa, "but they're German and beer is a lot more important to them then gambling. They went three months ago for Octoberfest and haven't been heard of since. This isn't the first time this has happened -- several years ago they took poor Rudolf with them and got him so drunk that his nose turned red!"
"What are you going to do?" I asked. "You can't just cancel Christmas!"
"Don't worry," said Santa. "I saw this coming and have a back up plan. This is the computer age, so this year all gifts will be delivered on line."
"Virtual gifts?" I stammered.
"No," said Santa. "I'll be giving the real thing. Everybody can send me an e-mail telling me what his favorite on line casino is and I will deposit the money straight into his account."
"But what if they don't play at on line casinos?" I asked.
"Don't play at on line casinos?" Santa laughed. "Get real! This is the year 2006. EVERYBODY plays on line. Okay. There is one exception: Senator Jon Kyl -- but he isn't going to get any present anyhow; I only deliver to good boys and girls!"
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