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Every year, I go to the Sacred Mountain (a small casino in downtown Vegas) to commune with the Prophet Melvin and learn what is in store for the following 12 months. True, Melvin hasn't been right once, but tradition is tradition, so off I went again this year.
"I've got solid news for you," Melvin told me. "Joe Paterno is going to stay at Penn State next year."
"That's news?" I asked. "Paterno has been head football coach for 37 years and had only two losing seasons. Penn would never get rid of him."
"But this time," Melvin replied, "they're going to make him the university president."
"Give me some solid tips," I urged him, "like, who will be going to the Superbowl this year?"
"I'd love to go," said Melvin. "But do you know how hard it is to find tickets?"
"What's going to happen with internet gambling?" I asked. "Is the Congress going to ban it?"
"I sure hope so," Melvin replied. "It would be the best thing that could happen to the online casinos."
"Best? How?"
"Look," Melvin said, "Congress banned drugs. You can find them all over the place. Handguns are illegal in many American states and you can buy one on every street corner. As soon as something becomes illegal demand for it goes up."
"But won't online gambling succeed even if it is not illegal?" I asked.
"It's doubtful," said Melvin. "After all, nobody passed a law against good airline food, but just try to find it anywhere."
"I'm thinking of going to Atlantic City later this month. Is it a good idea?"
"Only if you want to lose all your money," Melvin told me. "Of course, I don't have to be a prophet to know that -- every time you walk into a casino you lose all your money."
"Do you know any way I can avoid losing?" I asked him.
"Of course," Melvin replied. "Just make certain that you don't gamble anywhere except the MGM Grand in Atlantic City."
"But there is no MGM Grand there," I protested.
"NOW you understand!" he said.
"How will things proceed in the war against terrorism?" I wondered.
"Right now, the Taliban are 20 to 1 underdogs," Melvin said, "but the odds could improve in their favor."
"How?" I asked in worry.
"The French could decide to join our side."
I immediately made a note to sell my war bonds and asked Melvin if there is any hope that the conflict in the Middle East will end during the year.
After recovering from a fit of laughter, Melvin replied, "Wow. You'll believe in ANYTHING, won't you? The chances of the fighting ending there are as remote as they were of Yasser Arafat winning the Nobel Peace Prize."
"But Arafat did win that prize, remember?"
"He did?" Melvin replied in shock. "In that case, rush and make a bet on Osama Bin Laden winning it this year. Terrorists may be on a winning streak."
"As usual," I told Melvin, "you have not been very helpful. Don't you have anything at all that you can tell me for certain?"
"Yes," he said. "Hillary Clinton is going to try to seduce the president in October."
"Now THAT is interesting," I said. "Will she succeed?"
"No," said Melvin, "and it is very sad. It means she still won't have managed to go to bed with an American president!"
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