Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, 'Quawwwwk...vus machts du?'
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish.
The proprietor urged him, 'Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot....'
Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: 'Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?' In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.
All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America . About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. about Florida.
The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tefillin handmade for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, 'Daven!' Everyone is looking at you!'
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..
He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot.
Finally several blocks from the Shul the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. 'Why? After I had tefillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?'
Meyer, don't be a schmuck,' the parrot replied. 'Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!'
Your Deal, Fido
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game going on at the far table. As he moves closer, he sees that there is also a dog sitting at the table.
The dog has cards and chips in front of him, and when a hand is dealt, the dog gets his cards too. In turn with the other players, the dog calls, raises, discards, and in fact does everything that the other human players are doing. However, none of the other players seem to mind that that they are playing with a dog.
They just treat him like any other player. Finally the man can’t stay quiet any longer, so between hands he quietly says to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" The player smiled and said, "Well, he’s not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand, he
wags his tail."
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher, "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Yes." The man replies, "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes, I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."
10 Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling
1. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman
2. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay"
3. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4, 6, 8 or 10
4. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck
5. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not
6. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C E
7. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls
8. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device
9. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace
10. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't"
Q: Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
A: Because there were too many cheetahs.
I’ll Take a 9
At a plush Vegas casino a blackjack dealer and a player are discussing Casino etiquette as to whether or not a player should tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get dealt bad cards it's not the dealer's fault, so when I get good cards, it is based on luck and the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it, so why should I tip for that?”
The dealer replies, "When you dine in a restaurant do you tip your waiter?"
"Yes, of course" says the player. "Well then, I am right” said the dealer “the waiter only serves you the food; even if it’s good or bad, it’s not up to him. Therefore by the same logic, a dealer serves you cards, so you should tip him also." "Okay," says the player, "but a waiter gives me what I want... I'll take a 9 please."
A group of friends went for a week’s holiday in Las Vegas. One of the men won over a million dollars. He deliberately missed his flight home as he didn't want anyone to find out about it. When he got back home he went out to the back garden of his house, dug a hole and hid the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found the money had been stolen.
He saw tracks leading from the hole to his neighbors, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same road lived a young teacher who could use sign language. Grabbing his gun, the enraged man went to get the teacher and took him to the deaf man's house.
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the teacher. The teacher conveyed the message to his friend, and the deaf-mute replied in sign language, "I hid it in my kitchen under the floorboards." The teacher turned to the man with the gun and said, "He said he won’t tell you. He said he'd prefer to die."
Chilly the Chimp
A dealer watches in amazement, as a chimp sits down at the blackjack table, with the handler in tow. He clears his throat and explains, “I'm very sorry sir only humans are allowed to play at these tables.”
The handler snorts, “Chilly the Chimp knows more about blackjack than most people do. He knows all the hand signals. He knocks the table when he wants a hit, waves his hand over the cards when he wants to stand, and matches his bet on a split or double!”
The dealer looks confused and asks, “What does it mean when he waves both hands wildly in the air like that?” The handler blinks then mutters, “It means he just peed on your leg.”
A Dr.’s Work is Never Done
Dr. Jones and his wife are enjoying a meal at their favorite restaurant when the doctor’s phone starts ringing. Jones answers and it’s his friend Dr. Smith. “Bob, one of our poker regulars dropped out and we need a fourth, you need to get over here now” says Dr. Smith. Dr. Jones replies, “I’m on my way” and runs to the door, grabbing his coat on the way.
His wife, used to this sort of thing says, “Darling is it serious?” Jones, halfway out the door turns to his wife and says “Yes darling, very serious. In fact there’s a team of doctors there already!”
Don’t You Want a Fanta?
A blonde was using a can machine outside of her local shop. After putting in fifty pence, a coke came out of the machine. She put it on the ground, put fifty pence more into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly a Fanta orange came out of the machine!
She continued to do this until a man wanting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me miss, can I get myself a drink and then you can go back to whatever it is that you are doing?"
The blonde turned around and said, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
It was Ladies Night at the All Blonde Bingo Hall and the event had been pretty dull, with not one single Bingo being called all evening. Finally, it was time for the last game of the night, with a huge bingo prize of $3,500 in the pot.
The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of “Bingo!” were heard. The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: "I've just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?" All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: "FREE SPACE!"
Well, Your Honor
One night, an 87 year old woman came home from the Bingo Hall to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became very violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 8th floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly."
How many elderly ladies playing Keno does it take to knock over the hopper?
Four if by foot, three if by walker.
I'm That Man
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"
You Can't Lose
Two girlfriends, Britney and Tiffany, went to Vegas to play the slots. Each agreed that when her money was gone, she would go to the Casino entrance and sit on the bench to wait for her girlfriend.
Tiffany quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited, and waited, and waited and waited.
After what seemed like an eternity, she saw Britney coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, it looks like you hit it big Britney!." said Tiffany "Oh yeah," said Britney, "did I hit it big! I found a good machine, its way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! Every time you put a dollar in 4 quarters come out!
Gambling On Religion
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister are playing blackjack when the police raid their home.
The Police officer turns to the priest and asks: "Father, were you just gambling?" The priest exclaims, "The Lord does not permit me to gamble, you know that Patrick, you're from my parish!"
The Police officer then turns to the Minister: "Pastor, were you gambling?" The Minister replies, "This is our Sabbath, officer, I would never gamble on the Sabbath!"
The Priest pins the cop with a glare, and he lets it drop. Turning to the Rabbi, sheepishly, the officer ventures to ask: "Rabbi, I don't suppose that you were you gambling?" The Rabbi looks left, looks right, and asks: "Who could I possibly be gambling with?"
Gambling - A Way Of Life
A down and out asked a passing stranger for £5 so he could stay the night at a hostel.
The man asks, "Will you buy booze?"
The beggar says, "No. I promise - I don’t drink."
The man says, "Will you gamble it away?"
The beggar assured the man, "I have never gambled in my life."
"You must come home with me,” demands the man, “I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."
Two men were at the Casino and were just leaving to go home at 3:00 a.m.
The first man says “You know what I hate about this? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.”
The second man says “What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the bum and say, "How about a little love, woman?"
"She never even moves!"
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head.
The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half."
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."
Winning the Lottery
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
"My husband's going to a casino in central Asia."
"Of course, why else would he go!"
Going to the Dogs
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"
Betting the Bank
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex. " "Two," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."
The Swimming Challenge
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single (of course). One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
A hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house indignantly on the shoulder. "Those wretched animals of yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the game at once."
"Shucks," shrugged the keeper, "They're keeping strictly within the law, Ma'am. They're only playing for peanuts."
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
The Marriage Bet
There is the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend,"I bet you wouldn't marry me."
The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!
The Wheel Never Lies
A woman was in a casino for the first time.The spinning of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention.She decides to play at the roulette table and she says,"I have no idea what number to play?"A young, good-looking man nearby suggested she play her age. Smiling at the man,she put her money on number 29.The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.