The Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas now has a "Baywatch Beach Club and Cafe". Naturally, it has no bay to watch, so they put it next to their swimming pool. Seeing as the company which produces the TV show also owns the cafe, they doubtlessly will be sending the stars there for a special episode.
Mitch: Look at the size of this beach! We have nothing like this in California.
CJ: Of course not, you idiot. This isn't a beach. It is a desert. Las Vegas is definitely not seafront property.
Newmie: She has a point, Mitch. We're lifeguards. What are we going to do here?
Mitch: The same as always. You are going to save lives, I am going to pick up women, and CJ is going to run around in the sand so we can take pictures of her boobs bouncing and keep Baywatch's ratings up.
Newmie: Save lives? How? People can't drown when there is no sea.
Mitch: Of course they can. People are always coming to Las Vegas and getting in over their heads. Your problem is that you are a pessimist -- there are plenty of ways to die here.
CJ: Maybe Mitch is right. After all, I hear that a lot of people commit suicide after a few days here.
Newmie: Only those who listen to Wayne Newton sing. They lose their will to live. But we specialize in saving swimmers. Where are people going to go into the water?
Mitch: Haven't you heard of The Oasis? Wherever there is an oasis there is water. In fact, that will be Neely's post.
Neely: Forget it. Las Vegas is full of cheats and liars. I am not going to sit around a pool now that I've finally found my people.
Mitch: And what about The Venetian? People must be falling into their canals all the time. I'll give that post to Kekoa. She's Italian.
CJ: What are you talking about? Kekoa isn't Italian. She's Hawaiian.
Mitch: That doesn't matter. Anybody who will believe that Venice was transported to Nevada will also believe that "aloha" is really is how they say "hello" in Naples.
Neely: Don't forget New York, New York.
Mitch: Of course not. We'll put Steph on duty at the Hudson River.
Neely: Steph's not with us anymore.
Mitch: Don't tell me -- did she drown while trying to save someone?
Neely: No. She left to star in Melrose Place. She got angry when you decided that her figure wasn't full enough to be a Baywatch lifeguard and cast her instead as a surfboard.
CJ: Maybe we can put April on duty at the Hudson.
Mitch: No. I want her working at The Paris. You can't beat April in Paris.
Newmie: Put Zack in New York. The man is an idiot who can barely speak English -- everybody will think he's from Brooklyn.
Neely: I hate to mention this, but we have to start shooting in about 30 minutes. Don't you think its time we came up with a plot for this week?
Newmie: It's already written. CJ will be running along the beach when she sees somebody drowning. She jumps into and saves him without destroying her make-up. Neely lies to everybody about the incident so that she will get credit for saving him. Mitch uses his great detective ability to find the truth and use it as an object lesson to teach Hobie the value of telling the truth.
CJ: I think we've used that plot before.
Mitch: Yeah, but only 18 times.
CJ: Besides, I haven't seen Hobie around very much recently. What happened to him?
Mitch: When we started 12 years ago, he was a really cute kid. But when he grew up he wasn't handsome enough to be my son, so I got rid of him. I got a really good deal, too. I traded him in for some old Beach Boy records.
Newmie: Seeing as we own the cafe at the Flamingo, shouldn't we work that into the show to give it some publicity?
Neely: That's not going to be easy. What does the Flamingo Hotel have to do with the ocean? You don't have crap games on the waves or roulette wheels under the water.
Mitch: We can't be the first ones with this kind of problem. What did Star Trek do to publicize their section of the Vegas Hilton?
Newmie: The Enterprise traveled back in time to 20th century Nevada. Data programmed himself to be able to win at blackjack and the show ended with him going to the cashier to cash in chips. It fit perfectly with their theme of "Where no man has gone before."
Mitch: We certainly can't do anything like that.
Newmie: Why not?
Mitch: We have Neely, CJ, April, Caroline and Kekoa. There's no way we can offer "where no man has gone before."
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