Note from Josh Wilde: By a strange coincidence, every year the Ides of March and March 15 fall on the same date! Therefore, I thought this would be a fitting time to publish the original verson of William Shakespeare's classic play, "Julius Caesar."
Scene -- The streets of Rome, specifically the Via Veneto.
Soothsayer: Caesar, beware the Ides of March!
Caesar: What did the soothsayer say?
Brutus: He said some sooth.
Calphurnia: He told you to beware the Ides of March -- whatever the heck that is.
Caesar: I think it is a new slot machine at The Colosseum. I am going to stick to "Gladiators' Gold Slot".
Brutus: How come a classy play like this is discussing slot machines?
Calphurnia: Because The Colosseum promised Shakespeare a bonus if he managed to work a plug into the script.
Caesar: Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look.
Brutus: He is going to keep going hungry until he learns that you don't double down when the dealer is showing an ace.
Calphurnia: Caesar, don't go to the Senate today. I had a bad dream last night -- I fear it was an omen.
Caesar: Fear not, wife. I have no plans to go to the Senate. I must, instead, spend the day in a diplomatic meeting with a foreign head of state.
Brutus: That's the wrong play -- Cleopatra is not in this one.
Caesar: On to the Senate!
Marcus Antonius: Friends, Romans, countrymen! Lend me your ears!
Calphurnia: Wow! He must have really dropped a bundle at Caesar's Palace.
Brutus: I must hie to the Armani Emporium and on that very spot, where we have oft climbed the walls and battlements to see great Pompey, negotiate the purchase of a bare bodkin.
Calphurnia: He sure does speak funny! What did he say?
Caesar: He wants to buy a designer knife.
Brutus: Hail and farewell, Caesar.
Caesar: Go, gentle Brutus, and while you are there, pick up a knife for me, too.
Brutus: Great Caesar reads my mind!
Scene: The Senate. It has no chairs as Hillary Clinton has taken them all home.
Cassius: This must be a special day. All the senators are wearing their finest togas, knives, and submachine guns.
Juliet: Excuse me. Can you tell me where I can find the Senate Ethics Committee?
Cassius: Aren't you supposed to be in Verona with Romeo?
Juliet: Romeo dumped me when he learned about my job as Caesar's intern. In fact, I'm supposed to testify about that today.
Cassius: I'm sorry, but the Ethics Committee has been cancelled. The Senate couldn't find any members who had any ethics.
Kyl: I have ethics! I have plenty of ethics! I have ethics up the ying yang! My ethics include banning gambling and anything else that people might enjoy -- and if the Senate doesn't do it I am going to hold my breath and turn blue!
Cicero: Cassius, are you sure that it's CAESAR we want to knock off?
Brutus: Hail, Senators! Are you prepared for the day's events?
Cicero: Verily. We have the daggers ready and Cassius organized a pool on exactly how many stabs it will take until Caesar is dead. I think I am in luck -- I drew VII.
Kyl: This is wrong! I am against it! I wanted to have "VII" in the pool!
Gore: Can I get involved in the pool?
Brutus: Sorry. This is for senators only -- and you don't even have a job. Besides, this play already has enough gore.
Cicero: I'm glad he's not in the pool -- if he lost, he would demand a recount of the stabs. Then we would have the Tribunes tied up for months while they tried to figure out just what constitutes a valid stab -- does the skin have to be broken or is an indentation enough?
Brutus: Well, somebody is going to have to count them -- who will it be?
Cicero: Georgeus W. Bushus.
Brutus: That's a real problem. What will he do if there are more than 10?
Cicero: He will take off his shoes and use his toes to count.
Scene: The Senate. Now the stone columns are gone. Hillary took them, too.
Caesar: What's on the agenda for today?
Brutus: We're just finishing organizing a pool.
Caesar: What for? Never mind. It doesn't matter. I'll take number XXII.
Brutus: If you win, you are going to have a heck of a time trying to spend it!
Caesar: Did you buy that new Armani knife?
Brutus: I sure did. Do you want to see it?
Cicero: And mine?
Cassius: And mine?
Publius: And mine?
(The senators encircle Caesar and proceed to stab him, while Sen. Kyl tries to restore morality by banning bingo.)
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: Of course. Why should I always have to be left out of the fun? Besides, I hate people who show off by speaking Latin!
Soothsayer: Caesar, I warned you about the Ides of March. See? It DID turn out to be your unlucky day!
Caesar: Not really. Look! XXII stabs! I won the pool!