Michael: Welcome back to CNN. I'm your anchorman, Michael Furbish and the incredibly sexy blonde with the big boobs and the blank stare is my co-anchor, Bambi Bumbles.
Bambi: Thank you, Michael, and now, for our CNN poll. When do you think we will nuke Iran? Send your answers to email@example.com. Remember, the person who comes closest to the exact date and minute that we drop the Big One, will win an all-expenses paid trip to Miami next September.
Michael: Miami in September? Isn't that hurricane time? I guess we should check with Marina to see what the odds are that Miami is going to be whipped by incredible storms during that month.
Marina: According to the National Weather Service, there is a 50% chance of a major hurricane destroying the Florida coast during the first half of September, but the odds drop to 25% during the second half. However, Las Vegas bookies are willing to pay 7 to 6 against a storm for the entire month, so the smart money is being bet on it even as we speak.
Bambi: Michael, I've just been informed that we have breaking news from our bureau in Stockholm. Let's go now to Portugal.
Michael: Bambi, Stockholm is in Sweden.
Bambi: Well, I was close wasn't I? I mean, they're both in that Europe place.
Sven: This is Sven Olafsen in Stockholm. King Karl Gustav just held a special news conference...
Michael: Well, who cares? It's not like Sweden is a real country or anything. I don't even know enough about it to be able to include CNN's usual prejudice and preconceptions into our unbiased reporting.
Sven: The king just announced that Sweden is going to have its first national lottery. Top prize will be Princess Victoria.
Michael: Now that IS interesting. How much does a ticket cost?
Sven: 100 Swedish Kronor.
Bambi: What does that convert to?
Michael: About 11 Euros.
Bambi: No, I mean in real money.
Sven: How would I know? I'm not an economist. In fact, I'm not even a journalist. I was working as a bellhop when Ted Turner hired me because he thought I would be cheap.
Bambi: That's funny. That's the exact same reason that Ted hired me!
Michael: I think its time we returned to our usual fare: riots, murders, wars, and loads of commercials.
Bambi: I think there was something about a war in the New York Times today.
Michael: Really? What did the Times say?
Bambi: I don't know. I never read it. It doesn't have any comics.
Michael: That's okay. Our producers just told me that we have a special report about it.
Bambi: Wow! We have a special report on why the New York Times doesn't have comics?
Michael: No. I meant about the war. Let's go now to our correspondent in Monaco.
Pierre: This is Pierre Fleur de Lis in Monaco. The Monacan Army is mobilizing even as we talk to repel a French invasion that was launched last week.
Michael: It took them a week to mobilize? Why?
Pierre: It's high season here right now and they couldn't get away from their regular jobs as croupiers in the casino.
Michael: But all of Monaco is smaller than Trenton, New Jersey. Why is it taking the French so long to conquer it?
Pierre: The French General Staff was confused. They couldn't follow their usual war plans. There was nobody around to accept their surrender.
Michael: What is the reason for the war?
Pierre: French national pride was hurt when they found out that Monaco is on the French Riviera and that it doesn't have a visitor's visa.
Michael: I'm sorry, but we have to break off from this report. I've just been informed that we have about 30 commercials to show.
Bambi: But President Bush is about to make a major announcement about the Middle East crisis.
Michael: Not unless he buys commercial time, he isn't.
Bambi: And Osama Bin Laden has been discovered working in the security department of the Bellagio Casino.
Michael: So what?
Bambi: And Ted Turner is getting back with Jane Fonda.
Michael: I'm sorry, but we are going to have to delay our commercials for this crucial breaking news!