Being an on line gambling expert, I, of course, make millions of dollars every year simply by wagering. I intend to reveal all the details on how YOU, TOO, CAN WIN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS EACH YEAR SIMPLY BY WAGERING, in my upcoming book, titled, "YOU, TOO, CAN WIN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS EACH YEAR SIMPLY BY WAGERING" and which will be available to you, absolutely free of charge, except for a small fee to cover handling and postage charges ($127.99).
(Even this small, token, fee will be fully refundable if you read the book, follow all of its advice, and are not satisfied. You simply need to return it, unopened, in its original packaging accompanied by a small "return fee" of $126.99.)
In the meantime, however, I am passing along the following free advice, which is worth exactly what you are paying for it:
If your name is Chad, don't bet you will have a safe trip to Florida. Even if you avoid getting punched or hung, you could still wind up pregnant.
Don't bet that you will be able to attend the 20th wedding anniversary party of a British Royal Family member -- ANY member.
If your neighbor wants to bet on the outcome of a World Wrestling Federation match, pass it up -- especially if he is the WWF scriptwriter.
It's best not to make side bets on a blackjack player just because you heard he is really good at counting cards -- especially if you find out he is from Miami.
When your Congressman tells you that it is going to be sunny, it would be a good bet that rain is imminent.
Don't bet that you can tell what food the airline is serving you judging only by the taste and with your eyes closed.
Never put down money that your French waiter is going to say, "Are you an American? Wonderful! I love Americans!"
Don't give odds that you will spot at least 10 students wearing "Ohio State" sweatshirts walking around the Penn State campus. You may, however, find the bodies of one or two.
Don't bet that when your divorced neighbor invites your wife to his house, he really is just interested in learning how to knit.
When your wife goes there, wearing short pants and a peek-a-boo blouse, don't bet that SHE is expecting to teach him how to embroider -- especially if she leaves her needles and yarn at home.
Don't go to see a rerun of Rocky II and bet that THIS time Apollo Creed will win, not matter what odds your bookie is willing to give you.
Don't bet that you can read anything ever written by William F. Buckley, Jr., without a dictionary and/or interpreter.
When your friend ends a two year sentence for criminal fraud on Monday, asks to borrow your car on Tuesday, opens an on line casino on Wednesday, and is driving a new Mercedes on Thursday, do not believe that he is really offering the "best odds on the internet."
Don't play at any land casino where the owner is named Don something and all the croupiers are wearing black shirts and white ties.
If you get on an airplane and the pilot is the same guy you saw the day before at the eye doctor getting extra thick glasses, it would be a good idea to bet $2 on flight insurance.
Don't bet that your favorite collegiate defensive lineman will win a Rhodes Scholarship this year. If he is from the University of Alabama, don't even bet that he can SPELL "Rhodes."
If, when making confession, you hear heavy breathing in the next cabinet, don't bet that it is really kindly old Father O'Malley in there.